The Wounds Never Heal

 



The demons of war that haunt every soldier that has served in a war zone are evil and rob a veteran of his life and in the process of slowly destroying him; they destroy everyone around him. Though they try to break this veteran down; the people who care and love this veteran give him the strength to fight these evil demons. But why, after having them under control for so long, do they come back: what has awakened them? I don’t know… Who is this veteran, this forgotten warrior that has tried to leave behind the memories of a time that he would like to forget? Like so many others; he has fought and fought these terrible demons, each time a tragic event in this veteran’s life occurs; it awakens the demons and the battle once again is being fought. This time the demons appear to be in control and winning the battle. Endless sleepless nights, days filled with anguish, depression, and thoughts of suicide, alcohol, and more prescription medication. Who is this veteran… it is me.

I am the one who is once again in a battle for life. Countless times I have fought this battle and each time I have gotten the demons under control. I stay away from the “stressors” that will awaken them. I take prescription medication to maintain a somewhat sane existence. Out of the blue the demons return and are making my life a living hell and this time they are winning. They are weakening me to the point of no return; although I am afraid, and I do not really want to die, I feel as though death will ease the pain. I have built a wall around me now and I will not let anyone come into my world, I have shut out the people that love me, because the demons are beating me down. I go about my daily life wearing a weak pretense of nothing being wrong, but the people who know me are aware that something is wrong, and they offer their help but the wall gets thicker. The woman that stands by my side and loves me unconditionally suffers for I will not let her inside; I will not let her help fight these demons. Her love is strong, and I am weak. I have not had the strength to face the fact that I must get help.

The awful memories come slowly at first; you will be doing something at home or at work and they will come out of nowhere like a snapshot and as quickly as they appear, they disappear. You know you have seen something, but that part of your memory is shut down: the trembling and the crying that follows remind you that a battle is beginning. You may go for days and not have these “snapshots” appear, then all of a sudden they will come in groups of “snapshots”; you will not know what you have seen; your memory is still shut down. Then the depression sets in, the silence is deafening as you isolate yourself from everyone around you. The tears come for no apparent reason; the depression gets deeper; so deep that you are now all alone even though friends or co-workers surround you. Everyone steers clear for they know that you are not yourself and they are afraid to approach you not knowing what you may do. Will there be an eruption of violence or total silence; not even I can answer that question. The demons will gain strength because of my weakness.

The endless string of sleepless nights begins; the nightmares come, and I toss and turn and wake up yelling: if I could only have one night of peaceful sleep. The medication helps somewhat by suppressing the memory of the nightmares, I do not remember what I have dreamed; but it could not have been pleasant. Thank God the memory is shut down, but I know that the memory will weaken, and the visions will become vivid and this is when the demons will gain more control and do their best to strike me down. They will wait; much like the enemy; in ambush and when I reach my weakest point, they will attack, using cunning tricks to tear me down. Will death be the victor will I be the victor? Nobody knows. Countless times I have sat alone with a gun in my hand thinking that this is the way out, but I have not had the courage to pull the trigger. Somehow, I pull strength from deep inside that prevents the unspeakable act. I am on the phone with my daughter that I have not called for a long time she begs me not to do anything stupid; she tells me how much she loves me and how badly killing myself would affect her. Her love reaches from 700 miles away and gives me strength. My young son can see that something is wrong, but he is young and will not understand; however; he offers his help. I call one of my Vietnam vet buddies and tell him that I need help; he pours out his heart and offers to help me get into the VA “system” before it is too late. Still, I stall: stupid pride standing between me and the help that I need. Is it really pride or fear of what will come out when I sit before a psychiatrist and pour my soul out to this stranger? Is it the fear of facing these demons head on that stops me from getting help? Will I finally get help, or will death be the victor? Who knows? Only time will tell…

I have been down this road before; I have been in this battle before. The demons are stronger this time, attacking from all sides during my weakest moments; alas, they have not won; at least not yet. They are gaining strength from my weakness, but they have not won; at least not yet. Can I face them alone? I try, but this time they are using all of their tricks to take me down. Will they win this time? Who knows? Only time will tell…

As I write this story, I am reminded of the countless e-mails I have received from people who have read my stories and told me how much they have been helped by reading them. Now, here I am writing again, only I am the one that is begging for help but too full of pride to accept it. Will writing this story help me? Maybe so, maybe not: only time will tell… Do I pull out all the stops and face these demons on their ground? Will the love of my friends and family give me the strength to fight or will my weakness take me to the brink of something unthinkable? Only time will tell…

To my demons: you have gained ground, you are fighting a good fight, but will you win, or will I?

Only time will tell…


©Copyright 2018 by Phil “Country” Crowley


Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or click on the SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE Link below for help.....DON'T TRAVEL DOWN THIS ROAD ALONE.