The highway of my life has been filled with many hills and valleys; I have traveled through times of turmoil and good times. I have been fighting a battle with the “demons” of war, a battle that all soldiers fight after serving in a war zone. These “demons” have tried many times to destroy me, many times I thought of suicide to escape these “demons” that haunt me. Not only would I rid myself of the pain, but I also thought how much better my loved ones would be without me, realizing how much pain and sorrow I had caused.
For now, the “demons” sleep!
It is beyond comprehension to someone that does not understand of how I have dealt with the “demons” of the past while at the same time I battled with the “demons” of the present in order to prevent them from destroying me. I tried to maintain a level of humanity while trying to keep the threads of my life from unraveling. This is the time the “demons” wait for, a time when I was weak, a time when I was emotional, a time when I did not have the strength or courage to fight.
For now, the “demons” sleep!
I have not traveled through my life without emotions. I just did not want people to see them, so I remained silent in my solitude. People have tried to help, but they do not know what I have seen. When I tell the stories, they have tried to console me and tell me to move on. They do not understand that I have moved on, but not without struggle. Unless you have seen the “demons” don’t criticize me for what you have heard… the “demons” are real. They are not a manifestation of a Hollywood director with special effects and make-up. Death is not a box-office hit; death stays in your mind; and in my mind the horrors of war have played like a movie but trust me; it is not a movie.
For now, the “demons” sleep!
The “demons” creep into my sleeping mind and awake the nightmares. Once again, they are in control, the screaming, the yelling, and the waking up out of the bed trying to translate what has happened. My wife had removed all the guns from the bedroom for she does not know what will happen when these “demons” take over my subconscious. I am not capable of making rational decisions when in this state because my mind and body are subdued by heavy medication to rid me of memories of what I have dreamed. Because I have received help the nightmares have diminished for a while… for how long… only time will tell. Oh, the “demons” are still there; but…
For now, the “demons” sleep!
The years since Vietnam have gone by… memories of good times and friends made have faded somewhat, but they are there. I vaguely remember names and faces… J. Billups, R. Castillo, “Pig-Pen”, “Ham”, Captain Whitehead, and Warrant Officer Jones. I visit the Wall and see the many names and faces that are vague, but I do not forget their sacrifice and their families as they mourn their loss even after 50 years. The black granite holds many deep secrets of a time past and holds many “demons” for those of us in the present. As we touch the names, we remember our Brothers and Sisters and we offer a salute and a silent “Welcome Home!” * Ours Was A Noble Cause *
For now, the “demons” sleep!
As I deal with my “demons” I pray for our troops that are serving in today’s military. There may be a generation that separates us, but we are the same. Some return home and deal with the mental anguish of war; PTSD sets in and it is a repeat of a time 50 years ago. Some come home disabled or disfigured, but they find strength to continue. They will fight “demons” of their own, some will find the strength to fight, and some will not and will succumb to death by their own hands. I worked with a young veteran who saw a lot of combat in the Middle East and we talked, and I tried to help… I told co-workers to leave him alone; you do not understand what he has seen. His “demons” won the battle despite those of us who tried to help him… he took his own life; leaving behind a wife and two young children. We mourned because he was so young, we mourned because we could not help him, and we mourned for his family. There are so many veterans that have fought and lost the battle with the “demons”.
For now, the “demons” sleep!
Earlier in the year, my “demons” awoke again and again tried to destroy me. I was home alone, the depression set in, and two things came to mind… alcohol and a handgun. My wife had left me but she was worried enough to call the sheriff’s department. This is when the “demons” strike: they will wait until your emotions have taken over and you are at your weakest. I began drinking myself into a void that was so empty that I could not bear it any longer. As I placed the gun to my head, there was a knock at the door and several deputies were outside waiting.
The first thought… suicide by cops… but God had sent a special deputy that heard the call on the radio and asked to be dispatched to my house. He was standing in the doorway when I opened the door. He knew exactly what I had planned. He was a good friend and after a while talked the gun out of my hand and as I stood there and cried, he assured me that he would always be there for me. This man, this friend who had never served knew what I was capable of and was there for me with heartfelt kindness and love. Would I have gone out the door blasting away… at that moment… yes, for I did not have the nerve to pull the trigger to end my life? I knew that if I went out the door shooting, the deputies would have no choice but to respond with deadly force… my pain would be gone. God with his forgiving love had other plans for me that night.
For now, the “demons” sleep!
Time has passed, and I realized that I needed help, not only for myself; but also for my two wonderful children. They had pleaded with me many times in the past to not take my own life. This time I decided I would face my “demons” head-on and I would not allow them to destroy my children or me. I have since gotten professional help and now I am in a process known as desensitization. At each session I am allowed to go back to a time and place that has haunted me for 50 years. The psychiatrist only allows me to go back so far and brings me back to reality, while I gain strength from each visit.
With each trip back in time I face my “demons” and each time I face them I gain strength… the strength to fight them for my life. The “demons” are still there; they will never go away, but I have strength and determination.
When they return, I pray to God that I have the strength to fight and be victorious. Oh yes, my hellish “demons” you try to get me when I am down, you claw your way into my soul, you present yourself to me in visions that I cannot bear, you drive me to the brink of destruction. You try but next time I am ready… will you win… will I win… only time will tell.
For now, the “demons” sleep!
©Copyright 2018 by Phil “Country” Crowley
Click on the PTSD link below for information.
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